i have a toy phase?

it recently has been brought to my attention, mainly because karl logged that randall's my new toy, that i have a toy phase. it happens when i meet new people and start spending time hanging out with them, which means that i spend less time with another person, whoever that person may be. according to my friends, when i first met josh, i put lindsey on a shelf, and when i started hanging out with nathan and michael, lins got the boot again. and just from the sound of that, i sound like a horrid friend. now with the boys on the first floor, josh is getting the boot.

hmm... but what am i to do? just not make new friends? and i know that the obvious response to that is just not ignore your old friends when you make new ones. but here's the dilemma - when i make new friends, i obviously want to spend time getting to know them, right? and i can't very well make two of me. there are other reasons too - freshman year, we all lived in the same dorm. sophomore year, i just really didn't want to be anywhere near my dorm because of all the drama - nathan and michael conveniently live in myers. i don't know... i know my friends are basically just like, this is how stephanie is and we accept it, but i can't help but feeling that somehow a fault has been brought to my attention that i should rectify. then again, it's also very easy to dismiss it with a "whatever" type of attitude. seems like another issue of finding balance.

ah well... screw that... i have a test i need to procrastinate from studying for (there goes that darned preposition again!) hey there callous attitude, where'd you come from? (drat! preposition...)
Thursday, September 20, 2001.11:39 p.m.:

i'm hungry.

that always seems to be the general concensus (how do you spell that word?) between my head and my stomach at about this time every day. it's not that bulldog cafe is all that yummy or anything, but it's just so darned convenient!

bah! large red ant crawling closer to computer! must run away! or flick him off the counter one... okay he went out of view... makes me feel better at any rate.

i know karl's having all kinds of drama because of his weblog, and while i've not been suffering similar consequences, i really do agree with him that it kinda sucks. there's a lot of stuff i'd love to throw in here and vent about, and while i have thought in the past that i could throw anything in here because no one's gonna read it anyway, i'm concious now of the fact that people actually do read this thing - or at least that's what my referral stats tell me... i just seem to be all about shooting myself in the foot lately.

so i got the chance to talk to clay yesterday before the guys had their frisbee game. it was so strange drudging up memories of my past in texas. i mean, don't get me wrong - great memories, obviously... it's just that if i start thinking about it for too long, it all just makes me sad. and you think i would've moved on and gotten past all of that, but it's just hard sometimes - everything that i lost... and it strikes me at the oddest moments, and it's always been that way for as long as i can remember. randall and i were teasing each other some night last week, making comments about each other's moms or something, and then he said something about my dad, and it was like someone had sucker-punched me. luckily karl was there to just kinda discourage randall from that line of teasing... makes me wonder if the point ever comes where you only see the happy memories without the sadness?

yeah, definitely time for a change of topic. struck gold on the asb front - free housing for the week! i can't wait to tell brad...

as much as i hate to admit it, the first floor really has become a rather large part of my life now. karl's said on numerous occasions that he's glad his room is now party central. how can i possibly not want to hang out down there when i've just rediscovered what a wonderful person karl can be (when he's not trying to annoy me), found out that randall has the incredible ability to pop just about all of my joints (and in my defense, i can't bloody well help the sound i make when he does stuff like that... we all know that i've always made noises about just about everything, so it was only a matter of time before something like that came out! grumble...), been able to spend time sitting around with cord (who is awfully cute sometimes, although i don't think he realizes that at all), and played secretary to geoffrey on his icq (and i don't know why that amuses me so...)

geez this is turning into a long post...

i don't think what geoffrey said last night about my crushes lasting for only so long is necessarily true, although that's what i admitted to him. i think it really might seem that way to other people, though - and i can totally understand how someone would get that impression. i can honestly admit that i flirt a lot, especially if physical contact + talking to a guy = flirting. my actions partly stem from the fact that i grew up in a demonstrative family and think that physical contact is more important to a person's well-being than most people give it credit for (yeah, i ended my sentence in a preposition - deal). i would absolutely be devestated if i didn't receive hugs on a regular basis. also, i like to talk about the guys in my life, usually mentioning how cute they are (because they really are all cute in their own way). but all of my talk doesn't mean that i don't hold crushes for long. i think on some level that i hold them for longer than i should, if i had to be honest with myself. my crushes tend to form fast and hard (which leaves me amazed at how the emotional side of me works, because these people i form attachments to seem so random sometimes). and when they finally die down (whether of their own volition or because i've purposely tried to push it aside), they still linger like faint echoes from the past. since i've started college, there's been two - if either or them had been reciprocated, i wouldn't have run in the other direction - i would've stayed, and even now if i had the chance i would like to give things a shot. my freshman year crush probably hurt me more than helped me tho - has made me very wary to actively pursue anyone because it ended so terribly and i was so miserable for a long time for a variety of reasons - that one did have extenuating circumstances tho. sophomore year, i tried to beat it out of me because he already had someone. all of the other guys i ever talked about i could probably peg as cover-ups for the underlying two - makes it easier for me when i know things aren't gonna work out (but can't help liking the guy anyway) to find other people to talk about (my own personal kind of mini-rebounding or diversionary tactic).

hmm... i really am strange. nice to get that all worked out in my head tho.

and now i'm seemingly at the beginning of another. don't know if it'll be one of those long-standing ones or not, although it sure does seem that way right now. i'm such a girl sometimes... but maybe i just think too much period.

and then there's my spiritual side (and the fact that it's merely become a side doesn't bode well) that's kind of sitting off in a corner wondering when i'll turn around. hmm... and i don't even need poon telling me what God wants. i know already, but am just unwilling to move. i could give the lecture to myself. i guess i'm just trying to find balance and wondering if such a thing exists (or if it even should). and i really wish josh p. was here. he always had a great way of encouraging me in the right direction without making me rebellious. everyone else right now just makes me feel rebellious.

for all this typing, i sure am lacking in answers. hmmm... guess i'll go study now...
Thursday, September 20, 2001.10:49 a.m.:

i have a confession to make.

i know i always joke about linny and the bonding card that you can pull on her when you really wanna get her to do something with the group. well, in some ways, i think i might actually be worse off than her because most of the time you don't even have to pull the card to get me to do stuff. let's take last night for example - after having a nice long vent/talk with karl, i ended up in the room until well past five a.m. (including a breakfast run to krystal). so yeah, i'm back to running on one hour of sleep because i'm completely weak-willed when it comes to getting to know the new guys.

maybe once i've gotten to know them all better, i can start going to bed at a decent hour again. but for now, i'd rather take every opportunity they give me to listen to them talk. and if they actually live up to their promise, and i suddenly gain a plethora of rockclimbing partners, then i will just be that much more thankful for these guys.

and why in the world is clay from duncanville? that's got to be the most random thing i've learned all week. i just can't wait to see his reaction when he finds out that i am too. cord and i certainly seemed to find it rather unbelievable. small world indeed.
Wednesday, September 19, 2001.09:35 a.m.:

i am well pleased.

this past weekend was the asb site leader retreat in gainesville. more than anything, it was a good way to get all of the site leaders together so we could all get to know each other. i really did have an awful lot of fun. my co-site leader has got to be one of the most thoughtful boys i've ever met. he's just wonderful! okay, maybe i'm just a little biased because he's so darned cute and actually wanted me to teach him some japanese. but aside from him, the other site leaders are also equally as fun.

among other activities, the highlights were playing pool against donny and ben and beating them (and gloating - which was short-lived, because brad came and whooped up on me and monica), playing spoons and making alison finally lose, staying up til 5 talking to donny and meghan, drinking grit tea at the mexican restaurant with brad and laughing at each other's reaction at the first taste, and numerous cups of coffee.
Monday, September 17, 2001.09:29 a.m.:


after getting to work this morning, i immediately headed over to bulldog to get something to eat (because i completely forgot to eat anything of substantial nutritional value yesterday - donuts don't count) and picked up the red & black on my way across the street. i sat down with my food and my newspaper after making a quick call to my mom, and i don't know - maybe it's the lack of sleep and food i'd been running on, but i got all emotional over the newspaper this morning. the paper's filled with articles dealing with the aftermath of tuesday, and things kept making me want to cry for some reason.

afterwards, i headed back to work and started checking blogs to see what people had been saying - the internet community amazes me sometimes. the nyc blogs all seem to be featuring pics from wherever the people were when it all happened, and i came across one person whose office was five blocks from the towers and had been at work when everything started. what a terrifying thought.

my supervisor was the one who told me that something was up on tuesday. i was walking to the front to go do something, when he came out of the office to say that two planes had crashed into the towers. i think i was just stunned at first. then i flipped on the radio in the back and tried to get onto cnn or some news site. my brother im'd me to tell me to go turn on a tv. i finally ended up heading over to tate while talking to my brother on and off. when i worked my way to the tv downstairs, i arrived to see smoke billowing out of the pentagon. i stood in disbelief as i asked my brother, "what just happened to the pentagon...?"

but that's where i was for the duration - at the bottom of tate. i watched the towers collapse, saw the crash from the morning played over and over again, and received a nerve-wracking call from a close friend who was upset because she hadn't heard from her brother (who works down in the trade center area) before finally heading back to my dorm to continue watching news coverage. classes were cancelled for the afternoon, so i turned my tv to face my computer and got back online.

i noted that subinev was online, which made me feel better actually, although i don't know him that well. i found yoshikazu in his chatroom - he'd been watching the news in japan and had just sent me an email to make sure that amanda and i were all right. doris also im'd me to see what was going on - she'd be watching the news in hong kong. so i talked to both of them for a while as i kept an eye on the news.

eventually i ended up downstairs hanging around with karl and those boys, which was good because it took my mind off of everything that'd been going on.

that's basically about it tho. now i'm just back at work almost as if nothing had happened - waiting to see what the aftermath will be.
Thursday, September 13, 2001.10:05 a.m.:

i like these guys.

karl has a great roommate named cord (who i do not want to do anything to, honest!), and cord has lots of friends, most notably geoffrey, randall, and clay. geoffrey, i heartily approve of because he seems to think he can take me in dance dance revolution - yeah, whatever... the only way he can beat me is if cord has just pushed me off the stupid dance pad. randall is just absolutely the cutest thing that i have ever seen - ever! he's so great! and i'm not biased at all by the fact that he let me drive his car ^_~ clay... hmm... i don't think i'm allowed to say stuff about clay on this website - he might stumble across it, and i'd be in trouble - utoh... and then there's cord - hmmm... now that he's just cleaned off the rail under geoffrey's bed - silly boy. no, but he's great too - don't know if i'll be able to look him straight in the eye without blushing/giggling because of all the very wrong things that were said last night, but he's still great - very nice, almost verging on considerate at times, and lots of fun to talk to.

so yeah, i'm happy about these new boys on the bottom of mary lyndon - they're certainly making life more interesting - and dance dance revolution doesn't threaten their manhood. now if i can just convince them to go climbing with me at ramsey.

and speaking of climbing, guess who i finally saw today! michael gundlach! finally! haven't seen that boy in forever - must go climbing with him soon...
Thursday, September 13, 2001.01:14 a.m.:

i'm just disturbed.

not necessarily surprised, but disturbed. there's disbelief in there somewhere, tho. actually, i don't even want to try and dissect my feelings on all this. there's too many, too convoluted, and i'm just too tired.

and besides, if i think about the sheer amount of life lost, there's a good chance i'll start crying right here in the computer lab, and i'd much rather mourn quietly where no one can hear.
Wednesday, September 12, 2001.12:48 p.m.:

06.18.01...07.02.01 - japan...start
07.03.01...07.10.01 - japan
07.11.01...07.21.01 - japan
07.22.01...07.28.01 - japan
07.29.01...07.31.01 - japan
08.01.01...08.02.01 - japan...minato matsuri
08.03.01...08.03.01 - japan
08.04.01...08.05.01 - japan...aomori
08.06.01...08.17.01 - japan
08.18.01...08.19.01 - japan...final

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2001 stephanie fullbright
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